Head Lice

Head lice are invading St. Marys!

Earlier this evening the campus community received an email from Joanne Goldwater stating that there has been an outbreak of...head lice.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need to protect ourselves. Next time you think about hooking up with that dashing young St. Mary's student, think to yourself, could he/she have head lice? You see, head lice are often spread through pillows, and people that are hooking up often share pillows. Head lice are essentially STDs, except that a condom won't protect you.

What you should do it have your partner sit in front of you, and then begin examining their head for lice. If they question you, merely tell them that it is an ancient Chinese form of head massage, used by Confucius. They will believe you, and you can protect yourself from lice. If they do in fact have lice, proceed to shave off all of their hair so that the lice have no wear to live.

Folks, head lice are terrorism, and we need to stop terrorism. When I ran for Prince George Senator, I promised to stop terrorism. And head lice are just another example of terrorism that I will personally destroy.

That said, I am going to the health center tomorrow to get checked for lice. Wish me luck.