Friday, April 6, 2012

Strong Arm Robbery: A Play in Three Acts

SMCMLOL Presents:  A Strong Arm Robbery.  A play in Three Acts.

Act I:  The Report
Student, Public Safety Director Dave Zylak, and Officer Mary are in the Public Safety Trailer.  The day is March 24th, 2012.  It is a warm, the sun is shining and it is one in the afternoon.
Student:  Um excuse me, I'd like to report a robbery.  A strong arm robbery.
Officer Mary:  Oh my goodness!  I'm so sorry to hear that, via I am concerned with the well-being of the students.  What happened?
Student:  Well you see, I was in the Calvert bathroom, definitely not smoking weed
Officer Mary:  Of course not
Student:  and then I got strong arm robbed [Editor's Note:  A strong arm robbery is when force is used to rob someone]!  They took an undisclosed amount of money from me, and I was not injured via their strong arm robbery was more like a weak arm robbery.
Public Safety Director Dave ZylakGroans loudly
Officer Mary:  Could you describe the strong arm robbers?
Student:  One was a white dude, six foot, kinda fat, with a lime green cast and flip-flops.  The other was a Hispanic male with a t shirt that said 'one'.  They ran away in a blue sedan!
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak:  Wait, how did you see them escape?  And if you saw the getaway vehicle why didn't you write down the plate numbers?
Student:  I don't have any answers to those questions!  But the last time someone accused others of a robbery on campus everything turned out fine!  And the accuser was definitely not lying! [Editor's note:  See:]
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak:  (In a soliloquy [via use of words that an English major would use]) Hmm this all sounds very suspicious.  Is this soliloquy possibly a form of foreshadowing???  But nevermind that, I will contact the real police about this matter!

Act II:  The followup
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak is sitting in his E-Z-Boy lounge chair.  Accompanying him is his daughter and a bottle of Whiskey.  It is March 25th, 2012.  It is a cool, thunderous evening.  Foreboding.  Imagine that scene from the film Matilda when Matilda steals the chocolate from the mean lady.  That sort of thunderstorm is going on.  I am not good at writing plays.
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak:  What do you think about all this, daughter?
Daughter:  As a MAT graduate I am super smart, and I believe that something fishy may be going on!  But you should probably contact the police about this matter.
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak:  You are so smart, since you graduated from the MAT program.  I will take you advice!  Pours whiskey and water into a mason jar.  He slowly sips from it throughout Act 2.  He then calls the county sheriff.  Hello, county sheriff?  It's me!  Former county sheriff!  Somebody got robbed in the Calvert bathroom at the college yesterday when they were definitely not smoking weed.  I'll fax you the details, using the fax machine!  Zylak faxes the details, passing the time by playing Angry Birds.  I'm glad you got my fax, county sheriff!  What's that?  You say you have a lead on the crime?!  Excellent, I hope you find the criminals!  Now, if you excuse me I must get back to my whiskey and Angry Birds Space.  Yes, there is a new one out!  It's pretty good, a lot better than Angry Birds Rio.  Hopefully this will result in future trips to the moon, sponsored by Rovio Mobile.  Goodbye!
Zylak resumes playing Angry Birds for the next hour.

Act III:  Goddamit
Everyone on April 5th, 2012.
Everyone:  Are you kidding me?  ANOTHER false reporting?  WHY!  Why do people do this?  Why would you make a False Report?  What kind of stupid shitheads are doing this.  It's not fucking funny, it's the dumbest and worst thing you can do.  See the email below.


  1. This. is. awesome.

  2. You could actually do some investigative reporting so you could actually get the story right instead of listening to whatever PS says. There's more to the story than meets the eye.

    1. WTF. If you say "there's more to this story than meets the eye" then fucking email me the details. All I have to go off of are the three emails Zylak sent out. And I don't imagine he would tell me who the student was that did this, nor do I feel like asking random people who it was. The only story that I know about is what we were told. If you are privy to the "real story" then email me

    2. I second Anonymous Apr 6, there is a deeper story,(From somewhat personal Knowledge) but i second the intent of the article. "Children" and I specifically use the the word Children must stop falsely reporting stories, it is beginning to get ridiculous on campus!!!

    3. That is great to hear. Unfortunately, I do not have access to this deeper story via somewhat personal knowledge, and am still waiting for someone to leak me said information, or enlighten me as to how I can become an 'investigative journalist'. Even Woodward and Bernstein had their Deepthroat.

      Like, it's simple. Leak the information, or stop teasing me with it. I am getting journalistic blue balls.

  3. OR. You could just make up rumors and be a muck-racker!

    1. I don't really understand your comment. Elaborate/explain it differently?

  4. I was hoping for a little more in act 3.

    1. I KNOW but by the time I had gotten to it I was tired, both physically and mentally. Writing out a real Act III, with a dialogue between the accuser and Zylak/JBoard, as I had initially drafted, would have taken a lot of effort. So, sorry that I'm lazy :/ :/ :/

  5. Ken, I agree with the other Anonymous writers. You really need to get out on the front lines and get some good, hard-hitting facts. I want you out there, taking notes in a small detective notebook, interviewing witnesses, interrogating people if you have to. I ask, nay, I plead that you do this because all of us, the entire student body, look solely to you to deliver us the truth via your blog. We expect and demand that you have all of the answers to all of our questions about everything. It's not like this blog is some kind of joke, where you can just mess around and tell us whatever you want. Talk about a misuse of power. Because we all, especially the anonymous writers above, are hanging on your every word waiting for what we can be certain is accurate and truthful.


    Haha but seriously, I can't believe that kid said you should do some investigative reporting.

    1. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

      "It's you, it's you, It's all for you, everything I do, I tell you all the time, heaven is a place on Earth with you" - Lana Del Rey

      Luv u bb

      I have actually done some 'investigative journalism' (see: various SGA Meetings, ...probably some other posts IDK) but it takes a lot of "effort" that could otherwise be spent on things that matter.

    2. Once again though <3 u anonymouse

  6. I'm really feeling the character development in act 2