Act I: The Report
Student, Public Safety Director Dave Zylak, and Officer Mary are in the Public Safety Trailer. The day is March 24th, 2012. It is a warm, the sun is shining and it is one in the afternoon.
Student: Um excuse me, I'd like to report a robbery. A strong arm robbery.
Officer Mary: Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to hear that, via I am concerned with the well-being of the students. What happened?
Student: Well you see, I was in the Calvert bathroom, definitely not smoking weed
Officer Mary: Of course not
Student: and then I got strong arm robbed [Editor's Note: A strong arm robbery is when force is used to rob someone]! They took an undisclosed amount of money from me, and I was not injured via their strong arm robbery was more like a weak arm robbery.
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak: Groans loudly
Officer Mary: Could you describe the strong arm robbers?
Student: One was a white dude, six foot, kinda fat, with a lime green cast and flip-flops. The other was a Hispanic male with a t shirt that said 'one'. They ran away in a blue sedan!
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak: Wait, how did you see them escape? And if you saw the getaway vehicle why didn't you write down the plate numbers?
Student: I don't have any answers to those questions! But the last time someone accused others of a robbery on campus everything turned out fine! And the accuser was definitely not lying! [Editor's note: See: http://thepointnews.com/2011/12/race-forum]
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak: (In a soliloquy [via use of words that an English major would use]) Hmm this all sounds very suspicious. Is this soliloquy possibly a form of foreshadowing??? But nevermind that, I will contact the real police about this matter!
Act II: The followup
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak is sitting in his E-Z-Boy lounge chair. Accompanying him is his daughter and a bottle of Whiskey. It is March 25th, 2012. It is a cool, thunderous evening. Foreboding. Imagine that scene from the film Matilda when Matilda steals the chocolate from the mean lady. That sort of thunderstorm is going on. I am not good at writing plays.
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak: What do you think about all this, daughter?
Daughter: As a MAT graduate I am super smart, and I believe that something fishy may be going on! But you should probably contact the police about this matter.
Public Safety Director Dave Zylak: You are so smart, since you graduated from the MAT program. I will take you advice! Pours whiskey and water into a mason jar. He slowly sips from it throughout Act 2. He then calls the county sheriff. Hello, county sheriff? It's me! Former county sheriff! Somebody got robbed in the Calvert bathroom at the college yesterday when they were definitely not smoking weed. I'll fax you the details, using the fax machine! Zylak faxes the details, passing the time by playing Angry Birds. I'm glad you got my fax, county sheriff! What's that? You say you have a lead on the crime?! Excellent, I hope you find the criminals! Now, if you excuse me I must get back to my whiskey and Angry Birds Space. Yes, there is a new one out! It's pretty good, a lot better than Angry Birds Rio. Hopefully this will result in future trips to the moon, sponsored by Rovio Mobile. Goodbye!
Zylak resumes playing Angry Birds for the next hour.
Act III: Goddamit
Everyone on April 5th, 2012.
Everyone: Are you kidding me? ANOTHER false reporting? WHY! Why do people do this? Why would you make a False Report? What kind of stupid shitheads are doing this. It's not fucking funny, it's the dumbest and worst thing you can do. See the email below.
